her

i know i shouldn't but i did it anyways.


i got jealous when u told me about your ex. also known as your former lover. i know it was a long time ago. and i know it's been a while that u guys have spoken to each other but.. i still do feel jealous. and i guess a bit sad. should i? this should be normal right? tell me this is normal. and tell me that this would pass.


idk how u felt when u knew about mine but i was fine when u first told me about your ex. i just realize it now. i realized that i'm a bit bothered by it.


i don't like this feeling. i don't wanna care about it. but i do. i don't wanna think about it. but i do.


i guess i have to be stronger to just ignore this one and move on. i'm sure it's nothing. maybe i'm just bored and have nothing else to think about -_-"

bliss

a new Hijr yeas has downed upon us all. and soon, 2012 is coming too.


i realized that throughout this whole year, a lot of shits happened. i lost a lot of people; people that used to be in my life, that used to mean so much, that i used to love so much. i lost them. not in the term that they passed away. although, there were a couple of people i know passed away (may they rest in peace). but no. i lost those people from my life as in.. that person isn't the person anymore. i'd say they changed. but i'm sure i did too. oh well. things change. people change.


but still, i'm thankful. thankful for all the memories i had with them. it was nice when it was nice. and i guess, like most things in life.. even nice moments have expiry dates. so, it was nice while it lasted.


i've lost some people. but i've gotten to know new ones. and not all the new ones are pleasant. but i'm glad it happened the way it did. i know He has something good planned out for me. so, let the past be the past and keep moving forward.


all those hard moments that happened, i wish i could look back at them and flip them and say "hah! i survived that shit! what now?"
i believe in Allah. and i trust him to guide me through whatever. it's just that sometimes, things get so hard that i lost my grip. i'd forget that what happened, happened for something good later.


all in all, i just feel thankful for everything that i have now. i have enough clothes to put on, enough food to feed my hunger, a roof above my head. not forgetting my irreplaceable family. super-cool friends, and lastly.. an awesome boyfriend. i have all i need at the moment. and i hope it stays this way forever, insyaAllah :)

my unread story

i really hate it when people refer to me as a spoiled brat or anak orang kaya. okay, people need to like understand that i'm nowhere near that!

i don't get whatever i want easily. it's true, i do get most of the things that i want but trust me, i have to go through hell before i can actually have my hands on it. so, please. shut up and think before u judge my life okay. i have to work hard for what i want. i have to earn everything i want. but yes, of course, sometimes it comes free. contoh, kalau orang bagi gift ke apa. tu dah memang nasib baik lah kan.

what u see about me, about my life semua ni, is what i CHOOSE TO SHOW. so maybe korang semua memang tak pernah and tak akan nampak the other side of me and my life. u don't know what kind of hell i've been through and STILL going through.

trust me, this life i'm leading, yeah.. it's not one of those normal lives that u see on TV. let's face it, no one actually live a normal life. mesti ada jugak keunikannya.

so, if u guys ever think i'm more privileged than u are, think again. maybe what i have is what u don't have. but have u ever thought that maybe u have something that i don't? come on, life isn't fair. takboleh la one person nak ada semua. mesti kena balance. you got some, and i got some. that's why we need each other in this world. to balance each other out.

okay, dah. tu je nak cakap. jgn suka suka je make assumptions sendiri tentang org lain. err boleh tu boleh la. tapi sampai nak bitch out about it sampai merosakkan hidup orang lain? tak perlu lah kot. setakat nak judge dari jauh tu nak buat mcm mana kan. memang lumrah manusia la ada opinion sendiri about everyone. tapi keep it to yourself sudah la. jgn kecoh sangat.

on your way out

it's sad.

yeah, very sad. when the one you trusted, the
one you shared everything with, the one you thought would always have your back
finally turn around and spike you from faaaaarr.

i told you everything about everyone. everytime i have a problem with anything or anyone, even the slightest bit of wrong in my day pun i would tell you. because like i've said before.. you always have a way to make me feel better. rasa-rasanya, kalau langit tu finally jatuh, runtuh atas muka bumi ni pun, kau still boleh buat benda-benda or cakap benda-benda yg would sound like everything's gonna be okay. you always have a way to make me feel secured. safe. i was safe as long as i got you. and then, kau cakap.. selagi kau bernafas, kau takkan tinggalkan aku.

but now, you're the one who ruin it. now, i wish i have another you so that i can call him/her up and tell him/her about you, about how you made me cry. aku tak sangka kita akan jadi mcmni. betul betul tak sangka. kau lah satu-satunya yg aku rasa takkan ever, EVER dissapoint me or let me down. tapi aku salah anggap kot. betul lah orang cakap, sebaik mana pun kawan, mesti dia akan buat kita nangis jugak. takpelah, aku pun tak salahkan kau sehabis-habisnya. part of it, was my fault jugak kan? seperti yg telah kau nyatakan.

cuma.. aku tak pernah sangka yg we will go this way. dah, aku pun taknak elaborate apa yg aku expect from our friendship ni. honest to God, i had plans about us. i thought we could go further. but you've hurt me so bad this time. aku tak rasa aku pernah rasa seteruk ni. betul lah org cakap, kena tibai byk kali mcm mana pun, konon dah biasa, dah tak sakit. tapi bila org yg kita tak pernah sangka boleh buat kita nangis finally buat kita nangis, perghhh. dalam gila la terasa pedihnya.

apa-apa pun, take good care of yourself, buddy. i will miss having you in my life.

seeing stripes?

why are tiger cubs so damn cute? or is it me who's losing it here? okay, make sense if i'm the lune here. i mean, first, i thought baby pandas are cute. but.. that was like right after i watched Kung Fu Panda 2. go figure -.-

and then, i fell in love with baby tigers?! that's probably due to excessive exposure to their image on TV, damn it! yes, i am SO BORED at home that even MTV or all those Kardashians baggage can entertain me no more. and mind you, i have no movie channels. therefore, occassionally, i tune in to those discovery channels or nat geo(s) or the animal planet channels. so, yeah, if you're wondering, yes, i HAD consider of pulling the trigger on my brain if i even have a gun in the first place, just to save myself from dying out of boredom instead.

but no, suicide plans are not the input here. i just can't get over the fact how warm and soft i get, just for the cubs. i mean seriously, who goes all "awwww" to tigers? not just the cubs, even the big, fully-grown adult ones. haih. i am really losing it.

and plus, they sound so cute! they don't do the gruesome roars like the adults. they have a merely playful roar that will make u go "awww, u tried to roar" -.- yes please, shoot me. and of course, as cubs, they're as playful as kittens. jumping around here and there, chasing their own tails and rolling all over with their siblings.

hm. i should really go get a job. or just go out more often while i still can. oh riiiiiigggghhhhttttt. in order to go out, i would need money. in order to have money, i have to work. in order to work, i have to actully go out and find one. but, to go out, i'd need money.funny how i feel like i keep going round and round on this.

bang bang boom *shoot myself*

realize

in this past couple of months.. i've finally come to my senses and realized.. that i'm not ready to be in a relationship. ahh, bite me. and it's such a pain to know that i had to hurt someone to realized that. maybe la, i'm not sure if i got someone hurt or not.

and also, i've discovered that i'm not a girlfriend-material kind of girl. haha. yes i know, i'm a flirt. well, most of the time i am. but come on, let's get real. i'm not what most guys would want in a realtionship. alright, sampai situ je nak cakap. tak perlu elaborate lebih lebih kot.

I'm just a better friend than i am a girlfriend. so, when i'm friends with guys, they might find me easy to get along with. or easy to talk with or whatever. but when i'm The Girlfriend, oh shit, the grenade just dropped!

idk, maybe it's just me. i'd get all nervous and uncomfortable about it and ended up screwing everything up. and for that, i apologize in advance to u guys. (u guys should know who u are). and also, i apologize to those who felt like u've been played or cheated or taken-advantage-of in the past. i sincerely didn't mean to hurt any of u guys. and i believe u guys deserve better.

*so, please. no grudges needed to be held. past is past. let it just be another by-gone and go back to being friends. (sigh). as much as i hate it, i understand if it's hard for u to let this go and get back to being friends. fine, i ain't pushing myself on u. i just hope u'll frogive me someday. and thank you for everything.

it's not working out :/

isn't it funny that when we wanna break up with someone, the thing that popped in our mind is probably..
"sorry dude, you're not good enough for me" or "sorry babe, you're not good enough for me".

itu initially. but before we say those words, mesti kita akan fikir balik.. "wait, was i good enough for him/her?" haaaa. lepastu baru la nak start evaluate our ownselves. and sometimes we realize that he/she is sooooo much better than us. and sometimes we think they deserve better than us too, sebab kita pun takde la perfect sgt. tapi this is the common situations laa.

ada jugak situations when memang we are aware that WE ARE BETTER than them. dah kalau diorang terang-terang curang or whatever, then, we won't have any problem lah to say "you're not good enough for me" kan? or some people yg memang jenis perasan hebat and perasan perfect tu.. haa, tu lain kes sikit la. kalau yg jenis mcmtu, memang setiap kali break-up, the partner je akan disalahkan and memang takkan hesitate lah to say "sorry la, you're just not good enough for me". itu lain kes, lain kali baru kita buat lain punya cerita. sambung balik cerita tadi..

i guess what i'm trying to say here is just.. the common thing yg we always hear during break-ups like, "it's not you, it's me" or "i'm sorry. this is for the better" or kata-kata lain yg kononnya sopan tu pada mulanya takde la sopan. mula-mula mesti orang yg nak break tu fikir lain actually. they wanna say something else yg bad tetapi diorang berhenti sejenak sebab terfikir pasal diri sendiri dulu. and tertanya-tanya pulak, "did i do my best in this relationship", and time tu baru nak fikir pasal salah sendiri during the relationship. when i say they actually wanna say bad things bukan lah bad things sgt yg diorang nak cakap. tapi cuba fikir, kalau org nak break, mesti ada reason kan? reason mcm "i tak happy lah dgn you" or "i suka/sayang/minat orang lain" or "i rasa kita different lah. tak serasi" or apa apa lah. so, you see? the reasons tu bukan lah kejam tapi cuba bayangkan, kalau bf/gf kita sendiri tetiba cakap mcmtu, mesti lah org yg mendengar ni tersinggung perasaan kan? haa, tu yang terfikir nak jadi sopan sikit tu. kalau ada la terfikir nak jadi sopan. kalau tak, tu taktau la. kadang-kadang tu fikir punya fikir, sampai terus tak jadi nak minta break sebab dah sedar salah sendiri and terasa mcm nak berubah and save the relationship. pulak dah.

okay, jap. now, i don't know why i'm talking about this issue. i guess.. it just popped in my head lah kot. and yes, memang post ni mcm a bit vague and confusing. even i, myself don't understand what i'm crapping about.

oh well.