things i wish i could say out loud. no. SCREAM out loud.

Please hear me out.

See right through me.

Take my mask off and see my misery.

Don't just try but please, FIX ME.

Make me whole again, I know you can.

When I smile, see my hidden tears, it's there.

Feel my pain.

Get in me, feel my pain and make it better.

When I say I'm fine, please know that I'm not and nothing is.

Everything is falling apart in my world.

Help me build it up again and never let it fall.

Please.

Just see all this.

Break through my walls.

Climb up on it, whatever.

Just get here.

With me.

Fix this for me.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to make it better.

I know you know how to make it better.

Please.

It's killing me to cover this up every single day.

Literally.

It's killing me.

I can feel it eating me from the inside.

Please. 

Make my world better and never leave again.

baggages.

i've gotten rid of a big baggage from my life. i'm not proud of it. nope. definitely not happy about it. because to this baggage is where i cling on for almost 2 years. i depend on this baggage for too long. i needed the baggage. hell, i still need the baggage. but the truth is, i can't handle it. can't handle the baggage. there's too much going on in my life and yet, i still feel like i don't have enough on my plate. i long for freedom. i long for my own time. my own turf. and so.. i got rid of this baggage. selfish as that may sound, i never wanted or meant for anyone or anything to get hurt. cliche, cheesy, i know. but it's true. obviously no one ever meant to hurt anyone else intentionally. unless, of course, in some cases. some rare cases. but, not this. not mine. i wanted to just let go. i was done. needed a breather. need some fresh air. some time alone. but i guess the baggage had something to say

"Menyesal aku kenal dgn kau"

"Aku taknak tengok muka kau lagi, oh god"

"Tolong jangan contact lagi pls"

so, i guess i got what i wanted. which was my time alone. freedom and my own turf. and the baggage.. well, he'll find another someone to take care of and share life with. am i happy about this departure? no. am i sad about it? yes. am i starting to hate the baggage? as a matter of fact, yes, actually. i didn't plan on hating but hey, with those last words, who could resist such hateful relationship huh? oh yes, speaking of those last words, here's what i'd love to reply to what was said by the baggage.

"Aku tak menyesal kenal dengan kau. Aku bersyukur. Sebab kalau tak kenal kau, tak dapat la aku nak realize betapa ramai awesome people i've missed out on"

"Eh please. Aku pun takde la hadap sangat, teringin sangat nak tengok muka kau tu."

"No contacts? With pleasure!"

other than that, i still wish my baggage a long, happy, prosperous life. it deserves it. for what it's worth, we have had our own beautiful memories that i couldn't have imagined with any other baggage. so, i pray for all good things coming its way :)

just leave.

attention to everyone who's reading this,

please, please and please realize; that when u walk out of my life, i tend to delete u out for good. in other words, the moment u walk out, i'll close the door and lock it, then eat the key, chew it to pieces, swallow it and later shit it out as.. well.. shit.

if u choose to walk out, please just do it with no hesitation. and would u be a dear and close the door on your way out of my life? thanks :)

it bothers me that when someone who, in the past, made it very clear that he can't and won't stay any longer in my life comes back lingering around my life. what the fuck man? u said u wanna go. then go. don't come back. ever! and if you're wondering how i get over u so fast, i didn't! i just don't wanna be stupid to let u in again. so once you're out, you're out. don't even dream of coming back. i'll be fine without your presence. i always have been.

so, please take note. unless you're my boyfriend or any member of my family.. i don't think i'll ever regret letting u go. and if u wanna leave, don't even hesitate. because chances are, u don't even mean that much to me. jangan buat perangai macm palat, dah habis habis maki gaduh semua, pastu blah. a couple days, weeks, months, years after that, datang balik kat aku buat buat macam nothing happened. memang barking at the wrong tree lah. aku dah la memang susah nak forgive & forget.

so pandai-pandai la bawak diri masing-masing ye.

her

i know i shouldn't but i did it anyways.


i got jealous when u told me about your ex. also known as your former lover. i know it was a long time ago. and i know it's been a while that u guys have spoken to each other but.. i still do feel jealous. and i guess a bit sad. should i? this should be normal right? tell me this is normal. and tell me that this would pass.


idk how u felt when u knew about mine but i was fine when u first told me about your ex. i just realize it now. i realized that i'm a bit bothered by it.


i don't like this feeling. i don't wanna care about it. but i do. i don't wanna think about it. but i do.


i guess i have to be stronger to just ignore this one and move on. i'm sure it's nothing. maybe i'm just bored and have nothing else to think about -_-"

bliss

a new Hijr yeas has downed upon us all. and soon, 2012 is coming too.


i realized that throughout this whole year, a lot of shits happened. i lost a lot of people; people that used to be in my life, that used to mean so much, that i used to love so much. i lost them. not in the term that they passed away. although, there were a couple of people i know passed away (may they rest in peace). but no. i lost those people from my life as in.. that person isn't the person anymore. i'd say they changed. but i'm sure i did too. oh well. things change. people change.


but still, i'm thankful. thankful for all the memories i had with them. it was nice when it was nice. and i guess, like most things in life.. even nice moments have expiry dates. so, it was nice while it lasted.


i've lost some people. but i've gotten to know new ones. and not all the new ones are pleasant. but i'm glad it happened the way it did. i know He has something good planned out for me. so, let the past be the past and keep moving forward.


all those hard moments that happened, i wish i could look back at them and flip them and say "hah! i survived that shit! what now?"
i believe in Allah. and i trust him to guide me through whatever. it's just that sometimes, things get so hard that i lost my grip. i'd forget that what happened, happened for something good later.


all in all, i just feel thankful for everything that i have now. i have enough clothes to put on, enough food to feed my hunger, a roof above my head. not forgetting my irreplaceable family. super-cool friends, and lastly.. an awesome boyfriend. i have all i need at the moment. and i hope it stays this way forever, insyaAllah :)

my unread story

i really hate it when people refer to me as a spoiled brat or anak orang kaya. okay, people need to like understand that i'm nowhere near that!

i don't get whatever i want easily. it's true, i do get most of the things that i want but trust me, i have to go through hell before i can actually have my hands on it. so, please. shut up and think before u judge my life okay. i have to work hard for what i want. i have to earn everything i want. but yes, of course, sometimes it comes free. contoh, kalau orang bagi gift ke apa. tu dah memang nasib baik lah kan.

what u see about me, about my life semua ni, is what i CHOOSE TO SHOW. so maybe korang semua memang tak pernah and tak akan nampak the other side of me and my life. u don't know what kind of hell i've been through and STILL going through.

trust me, this life i'm leading, yeah.. it's not one of those normal lives that u see on TV. let's face it, no one actually live a normal life. mesti ada jugak keunikannya.

so, if u guys ever think i'm more privileged than u are, think again. maybe what i have is what u don't have. but have u ever thought that maybe u have something that i don't? come on, life isn't fair. takboleh la one person nak ada semua. mesti kena balance. you got some, and i got some. that's why we need each other in this world. to balance each other out.

okay, dah. tu je nak cakap. jgn suka suka je make assumptions sendiri tentang org lain. err boleh tu boleh la. tapi sampai nak bitch out about it sampai merosakkan hidup orang lain? tak perlu lah kot. setakat nak judge dari jauh tu nak buat mcm mana kan. memang lumrah manusia la ada opinion sendiri about everyone. tapi keep it to yourself sudah la. jgn kecoh sangat.

on your way out

it's sad.

yeah, very sad. when the one you trusted, the
one you shared everything with, the one you thought would always have your back
finally turn around and spike you from faaaaarr.

i told you everything about everyone. everytime i have a problem with anything or anyone, even the slightest bit of wrong in my day pun i would tell you. because like i've said before.. you always have a way to make me feel better. rasa-rasanya, kalau langit tu finally jatuh, runtuh atas muka bumi ni pun, kau still boleh buat benda-benda or cakap benda-benda yg would sound like everything's gonna be okay. you always have a way to make me feel secured. safe. i was safe as long as i got you. and then, kau cakap.. selagi kau bernafas, kau takkan tinggalkan aku.

but now, you're the one who ruin it. now, i wish i have another you so that i can call him/her up and tell him/her about you, about how you made me cry. aku tak sangka kita akan jadi mcmni. betul betul tak sangka. kau lah satu-satunya yg aku rasa takkan ever, EVER dissapoint me or let me down. tapi aku salah anggap kot. betul lah orang cakap, sebaik mana pun kawan, mesti dia akan buat kita nangis jugak. takpelah, aku pun tak salahkan kau sehabis-habisnya. part of it, was my fault jugak kan? seperti yg telah kau nyatakan.

cuma.. aku tak pernah sangka yg we will go this way. dah, aku pun taknak elaborate apa yg aku expect from our friendship ni. honest to God, i had plans about us. i thought we could go further. but you've hurt me so bad this time. aku tak rasa aku pernah rasa seteruk ni. betul lah org cakap, kena tibai byk kali mcm mana pun, konon dah biasa, dah tak sakit. tapi bila org yg kita tak pernah sangka boleh buat kita nangis finally buat kita nangis, perghhh. dalam gila la terasa pedihnya.

apa-apa pun, take good care of yourself, buddy. i will miss having you in my life.