opened eyes

New things I've come to realized about myself. Well, they're probably not new, but I never thought of writing it down. And now i am gonna write it down, just so I know mself better ;)

1. I can't live without consuming chicken and eggs. Weird huh?




2. I can always have enough of everything, but when it comes to seafood, I don't think I'll ever stop. Yikes!




3. It's hard for boys to please me because I have a very, very, very high up-in-the-air kind of ego. Yeah.




4. Even when I'm full of these ego, I still have a heart underneath it all.




5. I get touched by a lot of things. Just like a normal girl. eg: candlelight dinners, sweet words (that are actually lies), chocolates given form guys, flowers given from guys, little gestures like when guys giving thier jacket to me, saving me from danger of some kind.




6. I get over this warm fuzzy feeling as fast as i could




7. I'm very selfish and inconsiderate




8. I try not to get hooked on anyone because I don't wanna get hooked. I wanna be on my own.
   
   
   
9. I don't like depending on people.
   
   
   
10. I like to help the people I like to help, because when I do nice things for others, it's as sincere as it can get. So, if I help you, don't doubt me. I'll go all the way.
    
    
    
11. I care too much about people who doesn't even give a fuck about me.
    
    
    
12. I have a dark past which is love-related and I wish I can let everyone know about it so they can understand me better. But sadly, that's not ethical.
    
    

reconcilation

To whom it may concern :

MSIbMS - I may have started disliking you but I never stopped liking you.

AHbAA - I love you. And you know it. Shut up and don't ask stupid questions.

RAbAR - I miss your presence. You're sincerely the coolest friend I've ever had. Having you around was really soothing. You made everything seemed easy. Come back to me :(

FRbA - I miss you. We were close once. Even if it was just for a while, it felt like a long time. We should reminisce the memories.

NAbM - Those primary school years are waaay behind us. But, who ever said we should stop the bond we created? Gahhh. I miss you.

AFb?? - Haha. Sorry, I forgot your last name. We were close too. Close enough that we can dream ridiculous dreams.. like you cycling me to school everyday. Which is from Kelana Jaya to KL -.-"

AJbMJ - I miss you lah. The times we spent trying to kill each other were priceless. And I have a feeling, we'll have no more of that.

AJbMJ - Since you are the twin of the above person, the same message goes to you :) Oh, and I appreciate you guys keeping our secret as our secret. Please do so until the end of time.

no other way

things are finally getting better. phew!

i'm going back in a couple days, so hopefully, things will stay the way it is. because obviously, i don't wanna go back to Perlis knowing that everything is still mcm shit. oh yeah, ada satu saying ni, if you love something, you may have to let it go. and if it comes back, it's definitely meant for you.

and i did it! i let it go. well, actually dh pernah buat dh. entah lah. tp dulu tk susah sangat. susah la jugak, sakit la jugak. but this is definitely the hardest thing to let go lah. time ni lagi susah. time ni lagi sakit. tp takpe lah, biar jelah. lagi lama, nanti lg teruk pulak. so, biar sakit sekarang, daripada later, maybe worst.

perghhh. senang gila cakap. nanti kalau rindu, mesti sakit nak mati. ahh takpe lah. the best for both of us. so, this is the last decision. memang betul betul gonna do it. maybe la. hopefully boleh buat -__-

" Dear God, the only thing i ask of you

is to hold him when I'm not around.

When I'm much too far away. "

the after math

one gone, another three comes tagging along

so, basically, everything's been rough for me. ye, betul. EVERYTHING. friends, are drifting apart. lovers, even further. family, close but not close enough. strangers? strangers are strangely getting closer and not so much of a stranger now.

to AH, everything you've helped me through is much, much appreciated. you've always been a shoulder to cry on and you always listen about the craps that happend. haha. you solved some of it too. thanks H :)

and to ZH, my newly stranger-becoming-not-so-strange, it's fun having you around. your innocence made me forget about how hot you are, and how bad-ass you look. padahal you're so, so, so innocent. damn. i thought with your bad-boy looks, you've been around doing all the possible things you could. but no.

thank god for always giving me companionship. i know i've lost a lot in these past months. i pretty much lost everything, but as time passes by, the new ones come along.

yup, the changes are definitely bringing even more changes.

unbearable searing pain

you know.. when you've been with someone for a while. and when you start to get to know them even better. everything about the person that used to be so damn annoying, so damn irritating becomes a part of what you have to bear everyday. so, in the end, all the unbearable things about the person now becomes all good things pulak. kalau macam tu, is it the same with love?

shit.

when someone you love tells you to leave him, what do you do? or he says something like he's leaving us for our own good? tipu ke apa? if we love him, and he leaves us.. how is that good for us? sheesh. tk faham. tk faham langsung.

dah lah. tktau dah nk ckp apa. tktau nk post apa. banyak je actually nak ckp ni tp tktau cmne nak post on here, without sounding jiwang.

because of you, i cry every night to sleep. lirik lagu ke tu? kalau betul, lagu apa? nak cari. nak download. or mcm ni, i cry every single moment i think of you. haaa. lirik lagu apa tu?

everythings done. eveything's gone. all because of what? the DAMN changes. hoh. i hate this. and i hate that all of this is inevitable. and i know if time can be rewind, i might actually do the exact same thing and would probably end up right at the spot where i am right now. so, this sucks. everything sucks right now. i can't wait to go back to college. to pretend eveything's okay. to pretend my life is good, to pretend everything is in it's goddamn place.

being here. being home. reminds me so much of what i've done. and what i have to suffer through because of what i've done. it's almost impossible to wake up every morning just to know that when i go to sleep later at night, i'll be crying again.

life's just really taking me in right now. and i can't fight it.

changes.

changes happen. and it usually brings no good. well, for me, it doesn't. so, conclusionnya, i hate changes. okay, jap. no, i don't hate it. i just don't like it. tp selalunya time will make me adapt to it. to the changes that happened around me.

when i first moved to U.S, i didn't like it. sikit jelah. rasa mcm tk selesa. of course lah kann, kt tempat orang. but i was opened to new ideas and new lifestyle. so, after a while, dah adapted to the new environment. and i fell in love with U.S. and still loving it, and missing it oh so much :(

when i was younger, around 5, 6 or 7. i wished my brothers were a bit more grown up. they were born when i was 5. so, nak main dgn diorang mcm susah. i was like 5. happily playing with Legos and stuff, and them? they're babies who can barely even hold their own bottles. so, i wished i had brothers or sisters yg umur agak agak dekat to mine so that i can play with them. dpt main sep sep sep, tom tom tom pun jadi lah. and now, they're grown up. and it's something that i like but i kinda wish my little brothers would be LITTLE forever. tp of course tkkan. they're almost as tall as me now -__-" pretty soon, i'm gonna have to look up while talking to them. and their voices! it's changing too. and how do i know this? sebab duduk jauh sgt. all the way kat perlis. so, sekali sekala balik rumah, jumpa my brothers, suara dh tukar. whoaaa. suara dh macho dh skrg. no more whiney voices of the cry babies that i used to know. padahal nmpk lipas, still jerit jerit jugak -__-"

i used to be very very very close with my dad. not so much with my mom. my mom used to be the one who would be scolding me all the time. and my dad would come to the rescue. but since i lived with my mom for 3 years without my dad. that changed too. she still scolds me like every second though, that didn't changed -.- but we're closer now. i understand her better. and i'm guessing she does too? well, she knows me better now i guess. i liked it. and now that my dad's back, it feels different. the bond that we used to have mcm dh tkde. of course la we still talk and stuff but mcm not as close as dulu. and maybe it's because i'm not used to having him around. so, maybe if i spend time with him, everything will be like it was. but, tk boleh. jumpa family pun sekali sekala je. most of the time, i'm in perlis. so, there's another change.

mcm mcm lagi changes that happened in my life lately. and i, am still finding time and strength to adapt to it all. and it's really draining me out. i miss a lot of people. at the same time, i'm meeting lots of new people. but still, i need all the ones that i had before. the new acquaintances are great but whoever said, i'm letting go the ones i used to have.

bak kata Keane ;

"So little time

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But everybody's changing

And I don't feel the same"

ughhh.

New Moon, come out already!

*menyimpang jap :/

19th Anniversary

October 27th. yup. every year, on that date, my parents would be celebrating their anniversary. well, they don't always celebrate it maybe? idk. whatever. but since my brothers and i are actually matured enough to understand this celebration, we tend to get excited too *wth? and occasionally get them gifts too.

and that's what happen this year too. but we (my brothers and i) didn't get them anything pun :( instead, we just got them a card. and ordered cupcakes. but it was all a suprise. hehe.

and don't even get me started on the torturing journey i had to go through to actually make this work. with only two days left to plan everything, i managed to pull everything off. perghhh. thank god lah.

first of all, nk cari the cupcakes. bkn senang gua ckp. yelahh, considering the fact that i can't drive. damn! i feel like a child sometimes. so, yeah. cari punya cari. finally got some. but they're all about "place your order 5 days before pick up day" and such. walhal, i only have like two days at that time. TWO! luckily, one responded and said she could do it. even in that short notice. i was like phew! thanks a lot to http://ayulicious-cakes.blogspot.com/ but, she can't deliver lah pulak. mak aih. satu, satu la problem. and then, i decided there and then. mampus lah. nak kena pick up pun, pick up jelah sendiri. pandai pandai la i'll work my way through.

and so, i did..

but i need someone by me. and the one person that i usually turn to for this, is my beloved bestfriend, Fatin Farhana. the comel one. eh, tak. dh matured dh dia skrg. hotstuff ;)

hehe. thank you, Fatin. sayangg you :)

okay. so, we went all the way to Kak Ayu's house. which is in Ukay Perdana. tah kat mana. both of us are not familiar with tht place. so, we took a cab from KLCC to tht place. jauh gila kot. tambang dia bukan main tinggi. and then, it rains like gila gila pouring rain. hadoyyy. after getting the cupcakes, go back to the KLCC. so, the tambang tu je dh boleh mkn KFC berapa round dh *ye ke? haihh.

but all in all, i guess it's all worth it when i actually worked everything out. the suprise went well. because nobody expected it. neither Papa or Mama. all three of us acted like we didn't remember a thing, and when they did tell us pun, we gave responds like "oh, okay. happy anni then" haha! and then, they took us to dinner. which was to celebrate them actually but well, joined by us jugak? tah la. and then, after dinner lah was the suprise. hehe. bukak bukak je pintu rumah, there it is. on the dining table. so, of course, being a photography-lover, my mom was taking pictures of it for such a long time. i think she took 10 snaps of the same thing. only different angles, different this and that, and other shits. but whatever, it's hers. so yeah.

so, now, i'm so tired of the day. my legs are sore. and my head is aching from all the pressure about this. fortunately, dh habis dh pun. dh settle dh pun.

here are the pics. enjoy :)