pretentious.

I'm sorry everything is going downhill. I'm sorry that nothing is going as planned. To be honest, I never planned this. Everything that is going on and that has been going on were definitely spontaneous. I wouldn't actually say it was out of our control, because frankly, it was in our control. We just didn't want to. I don't even know how we're stuck here. So dysfunctional. It's almost too hard for me to ignore. But it's there. In front of me. So, one way or another, I gotta deal with it.

And for that, I'm sorry I'm not dealing with it in the most matured way or to be specific, the way you want me to handle it. I never knew what you wanted. Never knew what you expected. I'm sorry if this sounds a lot like a defeat but I guess I'm tired. Tired trying to figure it out. Trying to figure you out. Tired of trying to figure this out.

Maybe, one fine day, I'd have all the strength again. I'll gather all my might again. To play this game, with you, again. You caught me off-guard, baby. I wasn't at my strongest when you met me. Wasn't at my best. I was at my lowest point. You brought me up. And just when I'm high enough to be okay, you let go. So, now I'm back where I was. Lower than I've ever been.

Sorry for being this weak. Sorry I couldn't handle this better. I'm not at my best at the moment. I thought at this age, all the games will be put aside. I guess I was wrong. Lol. You must love this. Me, being wrong.

As said by a dear friend; Kalau hati boleh pecah, dah lama terbarai.

Swallow me, then, spit me out.

protecting me

You

You're always there for me

When I need you most

Day and night

You're by my side

Protecting me

When I feel like crashing down

You seem to be around

There you are

You're not that far 'cause

Whenever

Wherever

Baby,

You'll protect me

No matter what

Hold me tight 

With all your might 

And you'll never let me go

Protecting me

You listen to me when

I speak out loud and you

You know right when my heart's been bent

When my life's tumbling around

You take me off the ground

You tell me everything's okay

Whenever

Wherever 

Baby,

You'll protect me

No matter what

Hold me tight 

With all your might

You'll never let me go

When its my turn

To help you out 

I'll gladly lift you up without a doubt

Whenever

Wherever 

Baby

You'll protect me

No matter what

Hold me tight 

With all your might 

You'll never let me go

You

Were always there for me

When I need you most

Day and night you're by my side

Protecting me

impossibility.

If you are going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I'm with you, the way I'll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

heartless

coldest story ever told
but, the part that they don't know
you broke my heart and changed my soul
and yes, you left.


yes, you left me so heartless.
how could you be so heartless?


you look at me like Dr. Evil
but you brought the other side that i don't know
and i can't help it because you're the reason
for the change in me and why my heart turned cold


you look at me in disbelief
and haven't figured out why you're alone
maybe it had something to do with the cheating
sometimes people change like the seasons


listen to you now, just carrying on
how i hurt your heart like i did you wrong
but we both know what you did to me


i'm so tired of "i'm sorry" and "it didn't mean shit"
well, if it didn't mean shit, then, why did you do it?
and i'm not saying that i'm so perfect
but i gave you my heart and you stomped on it


so, before you go and tell the world i'm so heartless
you should stop for a second
count your faults in this
think of how you're in this predicament
had a girl that loved you hard
but you ruined it


baby, i'm gonna tell you
tell you like it is
if you would have been good
you wouldn't feel like this


had to let you go, yes
had to break out
if i didn't do it now
i would have just broke down


you need to understand why i'm heartless now
just a product of your words and your lies spun round
tangled in your web
now you're so strung out


i used to love you senseless
but you made me heartless
oh, it's your fault i'm heartless
oh, i'm so heartless.

things i wish i could say out loud. no. SCREAM out loud.

Please hear me out.

See right through me.

Take my mask off and see my misery.

Don't just try but please, FIX ME.

Make me whole again, I know you can.

When I smile, see my hidden tears, it's there.

Feel my pain.

Get in me, feel my pain and make it better.

When I say I'm fine, please know that I'm not and nothing is.

Everything is falling apart in my world.

Help me build it up again and never let it fall.

Please.

Just see all this.

Break through my walls.

Climb up on it, whatever.

Just get here.

With me.

Fix this for me.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to make it better.

I know you know how to make it better.

Please.

It's killing me to cover this up every single day.

Literally.

It's killing me.

I can feel it eating me from the inside.

Please. 

Make my world better and never leave again.

baggages.

i've gotten rid of a big baggage from my life. i'm not proud of it. nope. definitely not happy about it. because to this baggage is where i cling on for almost 2 years. i depend on this baggage for too long. i needed the baggage. hell, i still need the baggage. but the truth is, i can't handle it. can't handle the baggage. there's too much going on in my life and yet, i still feel like i don't have enough on my plate. i long for freedom. i long for my own time. my own turf. and so.. i got rid of this baggage. selfish as that may sound, i never wanted or meant for anyone or anything to get hurt. cliche, cheesy, i know. but it's true. obviously no one ever meant to hurt anyone else intentionally. unless, of course, in some cases. some rare cases. but, not this. not mine. i wanted to just let go. i was done. needed a breather. need some fresh air. some time alone. but i guess the baggage had something to say

"Menyesal aku kenal dgn kau"

"Aku taknak tengok muka kau lagi, oh god"

"Tolong jangan contact lagi pls"

so, i guess i got what i wanted. which was my time alone. freedom and my own turf. and the baggage.. well, he'll find another someone to take care of and share life with. am i happy about this departure? no. am i sad about it? yes. am i starting to hate the baggage? as a matter of fact, yes, actually. i didn't plan on hating but hey, with those last words, who could resist such hateful relationship huh? oh yes, speaking of those last words, here's what i'd love to reply to what was said by the baggage.

"Aku tak menyesal kenal dengan kau. Aku bersyukur. Sebab kalau tak kenal kau, tak dapat la aku nak realize betapa ramai awesome people i've missed out on"

"Eh please. Aku pun takde la hadap sangat, teringin sangat nak tengok muka kau tu."

"No contacts? With pleasure!"

other than that, i still wish my baggage a long, happy, prosperous life. it deserves it. for what it's worth, we have had our own beautiful memories that i couldn't have imagined with any other baggage. so, i pray for all good things coming its way :)

just leave.

attention to everyone who's reading this,

please, please and please realize; that when u walk out of my life, i tend to delete u out for good. in other words, the moment u walk out, i'll close the door and lock it, then eat the key, chew it to pieces, swallow it and later shit it out as.. well.. shit.

if u choose to walk out, please just do it with no hesitation. and would u be a dear and close the door on your way out of my life? thanks :)

it bothers me that when someone who, in the past, made it very clear that he can't and won't stay any longer in my life comes back lingering around my life. what the fuck man? u said u wanna go. then go. don't come back. ever! and if you're wondering how i get over u so fast, i didn't! i just don't wanna be stupid to let u in again. so once you're out, you're out. don't even dream of coming back. i'll be fine without your presence. i always have been.

so, please take note. unless you're my boyfriend or any member of my family.. i don't think i'll ever regret letting u go. and if u wanna leave, don't even hesitate. because chances are, u don't even mean that much to me. jangan buat perangai macm palat, dah habis habis maki gaduh semua, pastu blah. a couple days, weeks, months, years after that, datang balik kat aku buat buat macam nothing happened. memang barking at the wrong tree lah. aku dah la memang susah nak forgive & forget.

so pandai-pandai la bawak diri masing-masing ye.