impossibility.

If you are going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I'm with you, the way I'll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You're falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

heartless

coldest story ever told
but, the part that they don't know
you broke my heart and changed my soul
and yes, you left.


yes, you left me so heartless.
how could you be so heartless?


you look at me like Dr. Evil
but you brought the other side that i don't know
and i can't help it because you're the reason
for the change in me and why my heart turned cold


you look at me in disbelief
and haven't figured out why you're alone
maybe it had something to do with the cheating
sometimes people change like the seasons


listen to you now, just carrying on
how i hurt your heart like i did you wrong
but we both know what you did to me


i'm so tired of "i'm sorry" and "it didn't mean shit"
well, if it didn't mean shit, then, why did you do it?
and i'm not saying that i'm so perfect
but i gave you my heart and you stomped on it


so, before you go and tell the world i'm so heartless
you should stop for a second
count your faults in this
think of how you're in this predicament
had a girl that loved you hard
but you ruined it


baby, i'm gonna tell you
tell you like it is
if you would have been good
you wouldn't feel like this


had to let you go, yes
had to break out
if i didn't do it now
i would have just broke down


you need to understand why i'm heartless now
just a product of your words and your lies spun round
tangled in your web
now you're so strung out


i used to love you senseless
but you made me heartless
oh, it's your fault i'm heartless
oh, i'm so heartless.

things i wish i could say out loud. no. SCREAM out loud.

Please hear me out.

See right through me.

Take my mask off and see my misery.

Don't just try but please, FIX ME.

Make me whole again, I know you can.

When I smile, see my hidden tears, it's there.

Feel my pain.

Get in me, feel my pain and make it better.

When I say I'm fine, please know that I'm not and nothing is.

Everything is falling apart in my world.

Help me build it up again and never let it fall.

Please.

Just see all this.

Break through my walls.

Climb up on it, whatever.

Just get here.

With me.

Fix this for me.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to make it better.

I know you know how to make it better.

Please.

It's killing me to cover this up every single day.

Literally.

It's killing me.

I can feel it eating me from the inside.

Please. 

Make my world better and never leave again.

baggages.

i've gotten rid of a big baggage from my life. i'm not proud of it. nope. definitely not happy about it. because to this baggage is where i cling on for almost 2 years. i depend on this baggage for too long. i needed the baggage. hell, i still need the baggage. but the truth is, i can't handle it. can't handle the baggage. there's too much going on in my life and yet, i still feel like i don't have enough on my plate. i long for freedom. i long for my own time. my own turf. and so.. i got rid of this baggage. selfish as that may sound, i never wanted or meant for anyone or anything to get hurt. cliche, cheesy, i know. but it's true. obviously no one ever meant to hurt anyone else intentionally. unless, of course, in some cases. some rare cases. but, not this. not mine. i wanted to just let go. i was done. needed a breather. need some fresh air. some time alone. but i guess the baggage had something to say

"Menyesal aku kenal dgn kau"

"Aku taknak tengok muka kau lagi, oh god"

"Tolong jangan contact lagi pls"

so, i guess i got what i wanted. which was my time alone. freedom and my own turf. and the baggage.. well, he'll find another someone to take care of and share life with. am i happy about this departure? no. am i sad about it? yes. am i starting to hate the baggage? as a matter of fact, yes, actually. i didn't plan on hating but hey, with those last words, who could resist such hateful relationship huh? oh yes, speaking of those last words, here's what i'd love to reply to what was said by the baggage.

"Aku tak menyesal kenal dengan kau. Aku bersyukur. Sebab kalau tak kenal kau, tak dapat la aku nak realize betapa ramai awesome people i've missed out on"

"Eh please. Aku pun takde la hadap sangat, teringin sangat nak tengok muka kau tu."

"No contacts? With pleasure!"

other than that, i still wish my baggage a long, happy, prosperous life. it deserves it. for what it's worth, we have had our own beautiful memories that i couldn't have imagined with any other baggage. so, i pray for all good things coming its way :)

just leave.

attention to everyone who's reading this,

please, please and please realize; that when u walk out of my life, i tend to delete u out for good. in other words, the moment u walk out, i'll close the door and lock it, then eat the key, chew it to pieces, swallow it and later shit it out as.. well.. shit.

if u choose to walk out, please just do it with no hesitation. and would u be a dear and close the door on your way out of my life? thanks :)

it bothers me that when someone who, in the past, made it very clear that he can't and won't stay any longer in my life comes back lingering around my life. what the fuck man? u said u wanna go. then go. don't come back. ever! and if you're wondering how i get over u so fast, i didn't! i just don't wanna be stupid to let u in again. so once you're out, you're out. don't even dream of coming back. i'll be fine without your presence. i always have been.

so, please take note. unless you're my boyfriend or any member of my family.. i don't think i'll ever regret letting u go. and if u wanna leave, don't even hesitate. because chances are, u don't even mean that much to me. jangan buat perangai macm palat, dah habis habis maki gaduh semua, pastu blah. a couple days, weeks, months, years after that, datang balik kat aku buat buat macam nothing happened. memang barking at the wrong tree lah. aku dah la memang susah nak forgive & forget.

so pandai-pandai la bawak diri masing-masing ye.

her

i know i shouldn't but i did it anyways.


i got jealous when u told me about your ex. also known as your former lover. i know it was a long time ago. and i know it's been a while that u guys have spoken to each other but.. i still do feel jealous. and i guess a bit sad. should i? this should be normal right? tell me this is normal. and tell me that this would pass.


idk how u felt when u knew about mine but i was fine when u first told me about your ex. i just realize it now. i realized that i'm a bit bothered by it.


i don't like this feeling. i don't wanna care about it. but i do. i don't wanna think about it. but i do.


i guess i have to be stronger to just ignore this one and move on. i'm sure it's nothing. maybe i'm just bored and have nothing else to think about -_-"

bliss

a new Hijr yeas has downed upon us all. and soon, 2012 is coming too.


i realized that throughout this whole year, a lot of shits happened. i lost a lot of people; people that used to be in my life, that used to mean so much, that i used to love so much. i lost them. not in the term that they passed away. although, there were a couple of people i know passed away (may they rest in peace). but no. i lost those people from my life as in.. that person isn't the person anymore. i'd say they changed. but i'm sure i did too. oh well. things change. people change.


but still, i'm thankful. thankful for all the memories i had with them. it was nice when it was nice. and i guess, like most things in life.. even nice moments have expiry dates. so, it was nice while it lasted.


i've lost some people. but i've gotten to know new ones. and not all the new ones are pleasant. but i'm glad it happened the way it did. i know He has something good planned out for me. so, let the past be the past and keep moving forward.


all those hard moments that happened, i wish i could look back at them and flip them and say "hah! i survived that shit! what now?"
i believe in Allah. and i trust him to guide me through whatever. it's just that sometimes, things get so hard that i lost my grip. i'd forget that what happened, happened for something good later.


all in all, i just feel thankful for everything that i have now. i have enough clothes to put on, enough food to feed my hunger, a roof above my head. not forgetting my irreplaceable family. super-cool friends, and lastly.. an awesome boyfriend. i have all i need at the moment. and i hope it stays this way forever, insyaAllah :)