unbearable searing pain

you know.. when you've been with someone for a while. and when you start to get to know them even better. everything about the person that used to be so damn annoying, so damn irritating becomes a part of what you have to bear everyday. so, in the end, all the unbearable things about the person now becomes all good things pulak. kalau macam tu, is it the same with love?

shit.

when someone you love tells you to leave him, what do you do? or he says something like he's leaving us for our own good? tipu ke apa? if we love him, and he leaves us.. how is that good for us? sheesh. tk faham. tk faham langsung.

dah lah. tktau dah nk ckp apa. tktau nk post apa. banyak je actually nak ckp ni tp tktau cmne nak post on here, without sounding jiwang.

because of you, i cry every night to sleep. lirik lagu ke tu? kalau betul, lagu apa? nak cari. nak download. or mcm ni, i cry every single moment i think of you. haaa. lirik lagu apa tu?

everythings done. eveything's gone. all because of what? the DAMN changes. hoh. i hate this. and i hate that all of this is inevitable. and i know if time can be rewind, i might actually do the exact same thing and would probably end up right at the spot where i am right now. so, this sucks. everything sucks right now. i can't wait to go back to college. to pretend eveything's okay. to pretend my life is good, to pretend everything is in it's goddamn place.

being here. being home. reminds me so much of what i've done. and what i have to suffer through because of what i've done. it's almost impossible to wake up every morning just to know that when i go to sleep later at night, i'll be crying again.

life's just really taking me in right now. and i can't fight it.

changes.

changes happen. and it usually brings no good. well, for me, it doesn't. so, conclusionnya, i hate changes. okay, jap. no, i don't hate it. i just don't like it. tp selalunya time will make me adapt to it. to the changes that happened around me.

when i first moved to U.S, i didn't like it. sikit jelah. rasa mcm tk selesa. of course lah kann, kt tempat orang. but i was opened to new ideas and new lifestyle. so, after a while, dah adapted to the new environment. and i fell in love with U.S. and still loving it, and missing it oh so much :(

when i was younger, around 5, 6 or 7. i wished my brothers were a bit more grown up. they were born when i was 5. so, nak main dgn diorang mcm susah. i was like 5. happily playing with Legos and stuff, and them? they're babies who can barely even hold their own bottles. so, i wished i had brothers or sisters yg umur agak agak dekat to mine so that i can play with them. dpt main sep sep sep, tom tom tom pun jadi lah. and now, they're grown up. and it's something that i like but i kinda wish my little brothers would be LITTLE forever. tp of course tkkan. they're almost as tall as me now -__-" pretty soon, i'm gonna have to look up while talking to them. and their voices! it's changing too. and how do i know this? sebab duduk jauh sgt. all the way kat perlis. so, sekali sekala balik rumah, jumpa my brothers, suara dh tukar. whoaaa. suara dh macho dh skrg. no more whiney voices of the cry babies that i used to know. padahal nmpk lipas, still jerit jerit jugak -__-"

i used to be very very very close with my dad. not so much with my mom. my mom used to be the one who would be scolding me all the time. and my dad would come to the rescue. but since i lived with my mom for 3 years without my dad. that changed too. she still scolds me like every second though, that didn't changed -.- but we're closer now. i understand her better. and i'm guessing she does too? well, she knows me better now i guess. i liked it. and now that my dad's back, it feels different. the bond that we used to have mcm dh tkde. of course la we still talk and stuff but mcm not as close as dulu. and maybe it's because i'm not used to having him around. so, maybe if i spend time with him, everything will be like it was. but, tk boleh. jumpa family pun sekali sekala je. most of the time, i'm in perlis. so, there's another change.

mcm mcm lagi changes that happened in my life lately. and i, am still finding time and strength to adapt to it all. and it's really draining me out. i miss a lot of people. at the same time, i'm meeting lots of new people. but still, i need all the ones that i had before. the new acquaintances are great but whoever said, i'm letting go the ones i used to have.

bak kata Keane ;

"So little time

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But everybody's changing

And I don't feel the same"

ughhh.

New Moon, come out already!

*menyimpang jap :/

19th Anniversary

October 27th. yup. every year, on that date, my parents would be celebrating their anniversary. well, they don't always celebrate it maybe? idk. whatever. but since my brothers and i are actually matured enough to understand this celebration, we tend to get excited too *wth? and occasionally get them gifts too.

and that's what happen this year too. but we (my brothers and i) didn't get them anything pun :( instead, we just got them a card. and ordered cupcakes. but it was all a suprise. hehe.

and don't even get me started on the torturing journey i had to go through to actually make this work. with only two days left to plan everything, i managed to pull everything off. perghhh. thank god lah.

first of all, nk cari the cupcakes. bkn senang gua ckp. yelahh, considering the fact that i can't drive. damn! i feel like a child sometimes. so, yeah. cari punya cari. finally got some. but they're all about "place your order 5 days before pick up day" and such. walhal, i only have like two days at that time. TWO! luckily, one responded and said she could do it. even in that short notice. i was like phew! thanks a lot to http://ayulicious-cakes.blogspot.com/ but, she can't deliver lah pulak. mak aih. satu, satu la problem. and then, i decided there and then. mampus lah. nak kena pick up pun, pick up jelah sendiri. pandai pandai la i'll work my way through.

and so, i did..

but i need someone by me. and the one person that i usually turn to for this, is my beloved bestfriend, Fatin Farhana. the comel one. eh, tak. dh matured dh dia skrg. hotstuff ;)

hehe. thank you, Fatin. sayangg you :)

okay. so, we went all the way to Kak Ayu's house. which is in Ukay Perdana. tah kat mana. both of us are not familiar with tht place. so, we took a cab from KLCC to tht place. jauh gila kot. tambang dia bukan main tinggi. and then, it rains like gila gila pouring rain. hadoyyy. after getting the cupcakes, go back to the KLCC. so, the tambang tu je dh boleh mkn KFC berapa round dh *ye ke? haihh.

but all in all, i guess it's all worth it when i actually worked everything out. the suprise went well. because nobody expected it. neither Papa or Mama. all three of us acted like we didn't remember a thing, and when they did tell us pun, we gave responds like "oh, okay. happy anni then" haha! and then, they took us to dinner. which was to celebrate them actually but well, joined by us jugak? tah la. and then, after dinner lah was the suprise. hehe. bukak bukak je pintu rumah, there it is. on the dining table. so, of course, being a photography-lover, my mom was taking pictures of it for such a long time. i think she took 10 snaps of the same thing. only different angles, different this and that, and other shits. but whatever, it's hers. so yeah.

so, now, i'm so tired of the day. my legs are sore. and my head is aching from all the pressure about this. fortunately, dh habis dh pun. dh settle dh pun.

here are the pics. enjoy :)

October twenty-fourth, two thousand nine :)

first of all, i would like to wish my beloved younger sis, Jiji, a very Happy Birthday. i hope you enjoy your fifteenth year of existence, sayang :)

didn't actually celebrate it with her. but hey, i went out. with my brothers. as usual. so, it's safe to say the Trio's back. although, it won't be for long i guess :( i'm gonna have to go back soon so i'll just make the best of the time that i have with my brothers. i miss them. since dulu dulu, we were close kan. yelah, mak bapak bukan bagi sgt pun keluar. so, we're all stuck with each other. getting on each other's nerves. and trying not to kill each other gets harder day by day.

so, since i went off to college, rindu pulak. tkde dh dgr lawak lawak bodoh, sarcasm yg mengundang penyepak ke muka semua and their random act of dancing. hahaha. bodoh gilaa. suka kati je nk dancing like a maniac, tk kira time, tk kira tempat. sepak kang baru tau.

so, today, we hung out. it was sooooooooooo tiring. berapa kali lah tawaf tempat tu tadi. from the morning, sampai la petang. rasa mcm everybody there pun dh berapa kali dh nampak us walking around.

anyway, mcm biasa, bila dgn diorang, mmg tk kering gusi lah. ada je lawak lawak diorang. but, my favourite, was the one time dh sampai rumah dh. johan, my brother just got out of bathroom after showering kot? ntah. and jefri was kat mana tah. so, i decided to lepak jap in their room. i jumped on jefri's bed and laughed. and here's what follows ;

Johan : haha, keras kan? katil dia.
Me : tak lah. mine pun mcmni.
Johan : really? then you should try mine. lembut gila.
Me : really? how come?

(Jefri walks in)

Jefri : eh kak, don't la jump on it, nanti patah lagi.

(Me, remembering that his bed actually did patah before, quickly jumped off)

Johan : jump on mine! and feel it. it's lembut.
Me : okay, okay. i'll jump on it.

(Me tgh ready nk jump)

Me : eh, tk jadi lah. takut.
Johan : ishh. cepat la.
Jefri : tah, cepat la.

apasal diorang pulak yang excited ni? oh well. so, i jumped.

Me : hahahaha. it feels like water-bed.
Johan : it does. kan?
Jefri : (smiling ; satisfied)

and then, all of sudden, i heard it. the squeaks. haha. his bed has the squeaks! so, i would repeatedly use my weight to make it squeak. finally, they spoke.

Jefri : oit. tk payah laa cmtu.
Me : haha. best laa. squeak, squeak.
Johan : bodoh ohh (smiling)

and then, i kept on doing it. while laughing non-stop. Jefri walks off to mandi maybe. Johan finally looks at me. and he went, "you crazy little bitch"

HAHAHA. that one caught me! how can he say that? no, i'm not suprised at the 'bitch' part, my brothers refer to me as that since azali lagi, but 'little'?! who's he calling little? i'm the eldest here. sengal punya orang. lepas dia cakap, boleh buat selamba pulak tu. hadoyy.

johan... johan..

to the one i love,

sayang, i found it. i found the song. thanks eh. and i have thousands of songs to dedicate to you. cuma tktau mcm mana nk dedicate to you. afraid, i guess. afraid of your reaction. but the fact that you dedicate that song to me, when i least expect it, made me fall for you all over again. and this time, deeper. trust me, i miss you too. cuma tk larat nk cakap dah. tknk layan dah lara hati. haha. buat bodoh je. but seriously, if i was picking a flower at every time that i think of you, i'd be having meadows all over the world by now. and it gives me tingling feeling when i know that you miss me too. haha. mission accomplished la sayang. i made you missed me. terkejut gila lah when you said you missed me. and when you give me that song.

and yes, i miss talking on the phone with you late at night like we always did too. and sometimes you would call just to sing to me. memekak je tgh tgh mlm. with your guitar. and sometimes your guitar gets too loud until i can't even hear what you're singing. and all i did was just laugh silently because i would rather know that you're on the other end of the line singing something that i couldn't comprehend than not hearing your voice at all. i miss it. i do.

tp tkpe. we both study dulu okay. later, we'll make it work. oh yes! you forgot my birthday. haha. but i tk marah sbb haha.. sbb i pun forgot yours kan dulu. i've tried calling you a thousand times since i can now call you for free. until saturday because it only lasts for 7 days from my birthday. but you tk on pun your number yang tu. nanti, when you do turn it on, and nampak ada seribu lebih missed calls and it's already after saturday, jgn ckp i tk pernah call you lagi tau.

haaaa. haritu you called. to wish me luck kan? for final paper of final exam. thank you sayang. very unexpected. entah apa mimpi you tetiba call i. dh la time tu suara pun ceria semacam. high ke? haha.

okay, take care sayang. ILY.

sincerely,

Amelya Jamal

Sweet 18th

this year, my birthday falls on exam time, AGAIN. and i was waaaaaaaaay far from family. not overseas laa. but way far up north jugak.

to all who remembered. thank you so much. i appreciate it even if it was just a wish by text messaging. Shamir, siap call lagi. betul betul on time. thank you.

to the girls who sang to me around my bed at 12:00 am, Mariam, Asyuk, Ika, Nabilah, Anna, thank you so much. i love you girls. Min, kau terlambat beberapa saat for that performance, tp still sayang kau. haha.

and Yanaaaaa. you had a suprise party planned for me. haha. tk sangka betul. time turun kt cafe tu pun, tk bwk pape. phones semua tinggal je kt dlm bilik. bwk duit pun cukup2 je. mati mati aku ingat si Wani tu was straving like hell. tetiba je paksa paksa turun pegi cafe sbb nk mkn. aku suruh tunggu after maghrib pun tk sanggup.

my friends in KL. Fatin, Farahnor, Gill, Jiji sayang, Nazatul, DQ, thanks for the wishes. and to those yg wish lambat pun, i still appreciate it. thanks guys.

malangnya, tkde gmbr pun. sbb time turun for that suprise party, tk bwk camera kan? who would have thought there would be a party when the next day is Biology Paper II AND Physics Paper II? lol.

and the night when i arrived in KL. there were things on my bed. birthday cards and presents. so, thanks Papa, Mama and my growing-up-right-before-my-eyes brothers, Johan and Jefri :)

dinner just now was great too. thanks Mama. thanks to all lah. senang.

with my brother Johan, at the dinner

Mama, thank you :)

dpt tangkap gmbr dgn Johan and Mama je kt dinner td. sebab they were on my sides. HAHA. while Papa and Jefri were in front of us. nak gerak gerak, orang pun dh pandang pelik time snap snap ni. haha. tkpe. nanti snap lagi banyak banyak. snap sampai lebam.

sincerely from the bottom of my heart,

THANK YOU TO ALL WHO CELEBRATED MY BIRTHDAY. THANKS A LOT. LOVE YOU GUYS.

Raya in KMP

this jamuan raya was held on.. bila eh? jap jap. check the date jap. haaaa. on the 30th of September. yes, i know. dh dkt sebulan dh. tp baru nk post skrg. i haven't actually got the time to post blogs at college. it was around exam time. and mcm tkde keje lah pulak nk pegi online kt library semata mata nk post blog.

actually, fikir balik.. boleh je kalau nk pegi library to update my blog nih. okay, tu lain cerita. now, about the jamuan.

so benda tu was like a jamuan lah. where there's makan makan and of course celebration of the Eid. and the girls all look gorgeous in their baju kurungs and baju kebayas. and the guys were Oh-So-Hot dgn baju melayu diorang. OMG. mmg hot gila. i go weak for guys with baju melayu. hehe. pardon me.

the hall was packed with people. the lecturers were in front and the students were crushed at the back. everyone was supposed to sit at their own table. according to class lah. and the tables were supposed to be decorated by the students of the class. and the most presentable table will win. my class didn't win pun :(

and they actually used my batik to decorate the table, which by the way i haven't got back. so, anyone? please. bring me my batik back please ;)

so, of course, the girls, snap sana, snap sini. i'm not really a big fan of pictures. but kalau orang snap, senyum jelah. tu pun kadang kadang malas. but i did snap a few pics. until my battery went off. after snaping pictures, i walked around with Yana and Hanis. all over the hall. and then, trserempak dgn Farhan. he asked me to go to his table. and then, once i'm there, he asked me to eat the food kt situ. and since i haven't actually eat anything eventhough it's a freakin jamuan, i hesitantly took his offer and eat that thing. pebenda tah nama tht food. lupa dah.

and since i'm there. at his table. eating by his side. with him by my side. everyone just can't help but to look at us. and i think all his friends offered to take our picture. perghhhh. rasa mcm celebrity pun ada time tu. semua lalu, semua nk snap. sudah sudah la tu. orang nk mkn pun tk senang. but, i smiled jelah. penat.

after mkn, we walked around. again, bumped to a few more papparazis who are very interested in taking our pictures :

so, we walked, have our pictures taken. then, walk again, then snap snap again. then, tiba tiba, my other friend, Razin asked me if he can his pictures taken with me. so, i agreed. and then while i was posing posing, Farhan hilang kemana tah. so, last last, i hang with my other friend ni pulak. until the jamuan was over. after the jamuan pun, we went to the cafe pulak. to have a drink. haha. like as if tk cukup minum padahal td ada jamuan. yelah kan, time orang duduk mkn, pegi jalan jalan lah, snap pictures lah. eh tak. tak take pictures pun. people yg snap our pictures -.-"

so these are the pictures.

my table. the green, the red, the stripes, the two in front of the stripes and the specky are my classmates. the one trying to avoid the camera is Shu Hwei :)

classmates. meet Yana, my crime partner (in red) and Hanis :)



Hanis, Yana, Naz, me and Shaz. Naz and Shaz are from different tutorials.


here, you can see another classmate of mine, Thinna. sedondon dgn Yana :P

more classmates :D

my tutorial, HP 7.

ketua aras, Asyuk :)

another classmate, Fatin :)

meet my friend, Farhan. Accounting student :)

this is Farhan's classmate who took the very first pic of Farhan and i. she's also the one who sediakn the food for me because Farhan asked her to. haha. sengal lah Farhan. idk her name. wait, actually, i asked. but i guess i forgot -.-

this was taken by someone else. but using my camera. hehe.


i have no idea why. but i like this one.


Farhan again.

with Farhan again, outside the hall. taken by another friend of his. after about 5 or more of his friends took our picture inside the hall.

and this is Razin. Physical student :)

this time, i got bored. so, i asked him to pose so i can take his picture.

this was taken because i asked him to put on his songkok and Shaz, Yana and i thought he'd look good wearing his songkok like that. and he did :P

and this is Razin's friend. also a Physical student. idk his name but i call him Mamat Mata Kilau. because his eyes sparkles like stars. padahal tk pakai contact lenses or even drinks the Brands Innershine thing. lol. memang tk nmpak kt dlm gmbr ni. tp mata dia mmg berkilauan lah. haha.